3 Rants and a Confession

First off, I want to say that I am insanely, intensely jealous of Angsty Gaijin and his wonderful vacation right now. Like so much, I could cry. It has me speaking like a Zelda NPC, to the point where I hope he doesn't forget that special item from the far Eastern land.


Cocaine and Waitresses

It’s a real shame when one of your favorite restaurants drop the ball. It’s like you know of a friend who, by chance, did a line of coke at a party once. It’s not habitual, so you don’t have to worry about good old Eric, for example. But when you hear that he was missing, or off by over five minutes to a party, it comes back to “I can’t believe that bastard is back on the blow, man” and “He’s really letting us all down” and “Eric, man! He was doing so effing well, too!”.

So now it goes with a favored restaurant served up a very unpleasant meal. Whenever I go back now, I wait for it to let me down. And they were doing so effing well, too!

Coffee.

The fact of the matter is, Starbucks doesn’t exactly suck. Their coffee doesn’t rock by any means, but you know what you’re going to get. This becomes apparent when you frequent an area that doesn’t have a Starbucks, where quality control and consistency is maybe, not as controlled.

Take for example, this example. Sometimes when visiting friends in a town, somebody (by which I mean all of us) get a sudden urge for some of the caffeinated stuff.

My initial reaction when traveling is “Where is the Starbucks?”

In certain towns and in certain circles, the reply sometimes goes like this “Starbucks?! Man, fuck that burnt bean shit. You have to try this place we have down here! It’s so awesome! Their macchiato?? Man, it’s the bomb. They percolate their coffee just right! This shit’s so good, it’ll make your d--- bigger. No lie.

Excited (how could I not be?!?) we drive to this local establishment. And I order a large drink. I put the drink to my lips/ It’s muddy, unflavorful, and the taste of this brew contains none of the exotic, almost fruity bouquet that I’ve come to expect from a $5 cup of coffee. Instead it has the liquidity of sludge, the grounds are unpleasant, and I grow sadder and a bit irritated. I’m too polite to say anything, but my expression works its magic.

The friend says, “Man, they’re a bit off tonight.” Now I’ve visited enough local establishments to say, maybe they’re not off tonight, but that a bit of the magic has worn off. Maybe my expression broke the spell of “being different” long enough for their tongues to think what their brains could not and judged the coffee on the grounds of flavor.

They recover their zeal by the next time I visit. Similar line about how awesome it is. Same line about how evil Starbucks is (Starsucks? How clever and original). I know one thing hasn’t changed: Somewhere, there is a thick iced coffee and full of rich aroma and more than a hint of dark chocolate. And here I am again, playing Columbian Roulette with my tastebuds.

Friend of a Friend of a Friend

Sometimes I don’t think weddings make sense. Not in the whole “two people being together and loving each other for their lives and beyond” but I sometimes think people spend way too much time worried about who to invite or who to uninvited that sometimes the incomprehensible happens. Sometimes, you end up at a wedding for people you never met, buying kitchen implements and carefully wrapping them for people you never met, and watch them stand before their maker for what has statistically become a coin toss whether they will still be paired up when they meet their maker.

I think weddings should be inflicted on as few people as possible. To the carefully selected, they are privileged to watch a beautiful union between people they love. When it’s a friend of a friend of a friend, you wonder about the food.

How beautiful.