Another Futile Internet Letter

Dear Nintendo,

This is a hard letter for me to write. We’ve been through so much together. But honey, darling, you need to seek help.

Let me open by saying I’m so, so proud of how far you’ve come. You have a hot console, a deliriously successful portable device, but your ego has spun out of control. I can’t imagine the sacrifices that it took to deliver such innovation to the market place. But you’re frankly looking a bit burnt out. In a moment I can only imagine was exhilarating, you changed your life for the better. There was a twinkle I haven’t seen in your eye since… well, since 2D.

I missed you.

But we never talk. You release Zelda after Zelda with no innovation in a decade. Sure, the games are prettier and the enemies bigger, but you’ve never retained the scope. And Mario? He’s good, but there was such an intensity in games like Mario World, in Mario 3, that spoke of absolute, impossible peril. He’s… cutesy wootsy, now, and it’s hard to look at him for very long. The edges are softened, and the giant realm of Mario has conflated to theme games. Galaxy’s theme was range controlling, and flying in an “open realm”. Sunshine’s theme was that damn backpack. Now look at Super Mario World; it gave you frenetic flight, a dinosaur, swarms of new enemies. But let’s not dwell on the past.

The point is, I think you forget what loyalty is. Loyalty is exciting. It does mean sequels. But sequels, and new things, are good! We love Mario, we love Link, we LOVE sequels. It’s important to have variety, too, but you should never forget your roots. It’s what made the Gamecube profitable.

I was there, Nintendo. I was there when the Xbox, the frigging XBOX!, was kicking your butt graphically. I held out when Square left you for lying to Sony, for when your games cost 20 dollars more than the others on the market for what was actually a worse graphics processor. I stuck with you when you unveiled a controller that looked, with no trace of subtlety, a woman’s uterus. I stuck with you. Not Sony, not Xbox. You. Not even Sega, whom I admit was cute, could draw my attention away from your pill-shaped logo, your charming fantasies.

But at E3, you embarrassed me. You brought out Shawn White. Shawn White! I don’t think there’s anyone left in this generation who considers Shawn White as anything but our happy go lucky ambassador to the suits to make them appear edgy. The rest of us? He reminds us of Carrot Top. Not his fault I know, but the fact is that if you exchanged goofy props for goofy endorsements, you’re just left with a creepy redheaded stickboy who really, really shouldn’t get as much work as he does.

Wii Music’s a cute idea, but see, this is the problem with consequences. Watching people play something? It’s not that fun. It’s not even close to fun, we see people acting like retards holding Nintendo products. And it’s not the bulwark of innovation. Games like Rez and Samba De Amigo were doing this before anyone made a Hero out of a Guitar.

I think I knew this conversation would happen when I took a look at Microsoft. There it is, it forced its way into the market, and has a product that the Japanese are A. Belligerent, and B. Indifferent towards. But here they are, the hot system, the best selling system, the system that can run anything, and releases (and steals) games that tickle gamer’s fancy. I took a look at the proud, gleaming (it gibes off a lot of heat) system, and wondered, where had our magic gone?

It’s not with Shawn White. Is he going to take you out and play with you when Square Enix won’t play with you and the new Game of the Year isn’t on you? What’s that? Shawn’s going to be on Halo, Nintendo, teabagging some son of a bitch that got between his base and his flag some 20 game yards away. You might not like to think about it, but that’s just who Shawn is.

Or maybe you’ll enjoy your little downloadable teensy Final Fantasy castle game. Would you like that? I admit I’m not the biggest fan, but I’ll be damned if I have to spend 35 dollars to play a game whereas I have not one but two choices on where to play the prettiest bit of render this side of Crysis. Which you cannot and will never run.

Oh, think the graphics joke was a cheap shot? Well let me tell you, Nintendo. I grew up. I grew up like the world grew up and we gained money. I don’t rely on my parents to give me money. I make my own, and I wasn’t content to watch you on a 27 inch tv with no right sound channel. No, Nintendo, I bought something pretty. It makes games beautiful again. And you? You pout on it. The writing was on the wall, and you couldn’t be bothered to do even a little upconversion.

Would it have killed you to put on a little HD? It would make you look a lot prettier, and I, I just don’t know what to say. Looks aren’t everything, but you just seem to only care what everyone else thinks about you. You attract your casual gamers and yes you’re making a lot of money. But you know what? Someday little Billy Wii Music’s going to grow up and make a ton of money. And he’s going to buy an Xbox because he wants to shoot some bastard upside his head and save the world? And you, Nintendo?

YOU’RE GOING TO BE AT HOME, COOKING. AND DOING YOGA, AND PLAYING RACE CARS WITH THE GODDAMN MARSHMALLOW STAR FROM MARIO GALAXY THAT NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT! Why won’t you grow up, Nintendo!?!? GROW UP AND LET’S GROW OLD TOGETHER!!!!

I shouldn’t have yelled. I just want a commitment, Nintendo. And today, on that stage, I think I found out where your heart lies. I think it’d be best if we distance ourselves. Maybe, we could be friends, and someday we’ll laugh about this.

But where I stand, it just can’t be the same way. You’ve changed. I’ve changed. This has been a hard letter for me to write. I want you to love me for me, not me for Mii.